IRC-Galleria

ah...
i'm becoming incressingly annoyed with myself.
not.. not hating myself i dont hate myself its not like i'm a horrible person... but.. with my lack of ability to be intrested in people any more...that and my lack of ability to comunicate.
i dont know.. i guess i'm just feeling kinda down, i dont really know how i should relate to people at the momnet.
i dont feel like taking to people.. and i find myself spending more and more time alone.. i guess u could call me a loner now days hmmm.
and the scary thing is.. i'm comfortable being alone. shopping alone, eating alone, just being alone.. its not so bad.. but i dont really wanna be one of those people.
i dont know, i just cant get myself intrested in other peoples lives, i'm quiet happy to play by myself. Is that weird?
i seem to be taking great comfort in capi, she has been quiet good actually just listening to what i have to say, normally i feel people would be bored with what i really wanted to say or not be able to handle my issues or me for that matter when i hit a low point, but she has been good keeping me afloat here.. thanks capi, ur an angel <3
i keep having this dream... and i always wake up either very angry or very sad from it... it happens like 4 or more times a week... it actually scares me because i worry that... maybe it trying to tell me something... and i dont like what it tells me... because... its sad. capi says the dream might be my fear that i fear this happening.. maybe she's right.. i'd be crushed if it ever happened... but it happens so often...

i do miss company...
miras.. and drawing with tiia and capi. i'd like to go to the movies more too... i havent been in ages... i think minna will be my new movie buddie when i come home n_n we had such a good time last time we went.

money money money.. my life resolves around it

and now i have the added pleasure of dealing with anthony again. as much as i'm kinda glad to see him again.. its stressful to deal with him because not only did he leave me for a guy.. he cheated on me and then ditched me. but we.. we were so close.. i mean... i was so close to him and knew him for sooooo long, he knows everything about me.. EVERYTHING.... no one knows everything about me... some people know alot about me.. but not everything.. so.. i want to be friends again... but... at the same time i dont.. he was my original fag... and i his first hag.
i dont know, he seems really sorry and it has been 4 years... maybe its time i give my old bestie a go huh?
its been along time since i heard some come call me Tabby, i kinda miss him....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
MERT! FUCK FUCK i broke the heel off my perti shoes! the ones i got last time we did shoes modeling!!!!
FUUUUUUCK!
i dont know how to fix them i think maybe i take them to shoe store here and see what they can do but...
FUUUUCK
this is what i get for trying to go out and have a good time!

just when i think things can not get worse D:
shane and bitch step sister have a huge fight over the phone. he was yelling at her for being a total cunt and for saying things about me and dylan... but... he made mention that it was my friends from work who told us... who told me, who r also taylas friends... who tayla will now probally go and scream at.. who will be pissed off at me..... sweet jesus.... what ever did i do wrong in life...
Riitta emails me though.. so like super huge mental joys... even if it wasnt much the fact she remembers i'm alive is good enough for me :D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so yeah i work the night shift now, which isnt so bad i must say, i get paid time and a half after 6:30 (which means instead of getting $16.30 an hour i get $24.45 and hour) so i make up my money that i miss from working long hours.
but that still not the point, they should not have changed my hours and fucked me around all because of that dope smoking freak!
i'm alot clamer now days at the momnet... i have the ability to fix myself after a while i guess, there are only a select few things that can really crush me down to nothing that take me months years to get over, but this was not one of them it was just a tempoary momnet of weakness, i'm better now. but now i work with all the 16 year olds... OMG... u guys thought we bitched and fight... they are insane!
jack and dianne.. the screaming the swearing.. the abuse... i could not get over it. and we all know i HAAATE my sister... their all best BEST firends with her... but they think nothing of stabbing her in the back and telling me everything about her...
i'm like... dam.. i'm glad my friends are not like this...r u???? HMMMMMM
nah of cause ur not.
dam i miss u guys...
dam i am NOT looking forwards to my phone bill D''''X<
please keep in touch, u guys r my little bit of sanity in this fucking fucked up place (:

i'm so upset.
i get bullied by the fuck face butcher at work all the time and now my boss has changed all my working times and i'm banned from this and that and now i cant go out at night because i have to work all night shifts instead of day... it utter pain. i cant stand it that i cant stand up formyself, every time i do i get punished more its not fair D''':
i broke down and started crying at work in the bathroom i cant take it any more i'm so stressed out
i miss mert so much it phisically hurts! i cant stand it i need mira back to make it all ok again D':
i'm so stressed about the visa and everything else.
i'm thinking of leaving my job the bullying is so bad he's so cruel and childish about everything and trys to make my life hell.
but where would i go, no one will hire some one for 3 months! and we're in a resesion every one is losing their jobs and no one has any money.. australia is like going into a depression.
i dont know what to do all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry until its all over.
i feel sick i'm so upset.
i wanna come home...
but i cant..
i'm trapped

chill Taryn just breath.
so yeah. i have every thing ready to be sent to the embasy for my visa... all but one thing... the infomation from riitta. what is with finnish people and leaving everything to the last possible second to get it organised, i'm starting to panic.. just.. just a little.

things r ok here.
i went out last night, it was fun i dance alot and then dragged myself home and watched a movie that goes for 3 hours. AUSTRALIA, the movie... omg... i laughed so so sooo hard it was actually a great movie i thought it was really good, it inspired all sorts of emotions in me. i think people who are not from australia may have issues understanding some of the words used as they are VERY australian words so yeah.. hmmm... but i totally suggest people go and watch it :D
If u dont u will totally HAVE TO WATCH it when i come home, i will force u!

i have been told of this new way to help lose weight.. it doesnt make the fat just go poof and vanish, but it helps along with beng active.... Apple Viniger... one shot after fatty foods is said to help... and i tell u now... i have never... ever... tasted anyting that bad, ever!
in fact when ever i go to drink it... i have to work up the balls to do it so for about 5mins i'll just stare at it for a little while XD

the weather is starting to get cooler now, which is good, it means i can walk to work with out looking like i just stepped out of the shower when i get there... it was so hot, but it is getting darker quicker as well.

i have been so tired lately... no amount of sleep helps.. nothing i do. i'm just always so, so horribley tired and have no energy for anything, i dont know i stress too much i think, i'm in shambles worrying about this visa and money and every other little thing that blows up in my face.
i just kinda wish for a good apple cider and a sauna with my best mates. i think that will be a must when i come home for a long good sauna and alotta casual drinking.. like old time orgies with all my friends in oulu. yeah
and then.... HUGE PARTIES where every one is allowed to come and we wil just get wasted, dance, eat and sex and the best time ever.

i miss every one alot.. lifes not the same with out u guys by my side.
i wish i could call some of u... but the reality is... it costs me so much money... and now all my photos are gone and gahh.....
i wish i could see u all again, or at least know whats up.. i feel like i live under a rock now days


hmmmm...
fruchocs... timtams... need....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
my computer crashed and then Shane took it upon him to REFORMAT it to fix it... so.... i have lost everything, every photo i took over the last 4 years... gone.. i have maybe a handful of old pics that were on a USB of mine left...
whats to say.. i'm alot annoyed... every picture...
my exchange... my travelling around europe... my second time in finland.... they are unreplaceable.. D''': i'm really upset about it
oh and i had another fight with that fuck face butcher... and now my stepsister is staying fucked up crap about me.. again
great.

guess what babes.
we have another ferret. she is younger then Coco and Milo, but looks like them in the same colours only darker i guess.
anyway.
this old couple just found her in their back yard, and told the local buter (not the one i work with) who told my aunt who told me.
so i went over and caught her and took her home and now she is running around the TV with Coc and Milo playing. there were a few fights between Milo and the new ferret, but they seem ok now, i guess it was just a "hey know ur place!" kind of thing
she's so cute.
if i keep her i will have to think of somehting to call her.. any idea?
if it helps... the other ferrets coco and milo their full names are Coco Channel and Venus De Milo which r both french and their nick names coco and milo r both chocolates here in australia.. what do u think?

OMg that rhys guy came back and would not leave me alone at the store i tried so mucht o make him leave but he would not!
and... i have pulled a muscel.... in my ASS! how i do not know, but it is fucking painful man XD i'm limping every where
i'm meant to go out to night i said i would i guess i should i dont really wanna, but meh.
and i have a party sunday... so meh
i'm so not in the party mood DX

OMG shut up your so annoying, thats what i think about every one right now!

i think i am doomed to have to do all the work for every one else for the rest of my life, is it too much to ask for people to look after them selves and maybe every now and then give me a hand instead of it always being the other way round?
Not only did i find my own job and make my way across the earth.. TWICE. i found a job for my friend and my brother, i feed every one, i'm organsing to go back to finland, i finished school with really high grades and i'm completely independant and spend more of my time helping others with their shitty issues then my own.
is it so mucht o ask for a little compssion or sympathy?
i mean really
"oh Taryn ur throwing ur life away. blah blah blah blah"
"u'll be ok your taryn you'll make it back"
"you wont last a whole year there before you come back, your so comming back"
"hahahaha really it happened twice wow, how ever did u manage to do that"
"your so ungreatful, u live in the best country in the world"
"ohhh taryn my world is falling apart poor me poor me, pity me, give me attention"
"you dont do enough, you dont give enough"

i swear to god if i hear anything like that one more time, i will kill them.
i'm sick and tired of having to put myself second to every one else, i'm only 19 turning 20. i shouldnt have to worry about that kind of crap, i should be partying, but no because i'm 2 busy being 50!

i would love to have one week... no.. one day where i am not a constant ball of nerves, stress and worry about everything where i can just sit back and enjoy something, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

but no, because now we have a resession and everything is going up in price... plane tickets included, food, LIVING! and now i'm short money every month just to help my family pays bills.
gahhh.. stress.
i really dont give a fuck any more. i dont care if any one even reads this, i just need to vent it all out because i cant do it here with any one cause they are all DICKS! and it always... ALWAYS turns into something about my inability to stop ruining others lives and my own, cause itsssss alllll myyyyy FAULT isnt it!
i feel like breaking things, and yelling at people, i am just itching at the thought of someone trying to fight with me because i would destroy them, mentally and even more phiscially. i havent gotten into a fist fight with some one since i was 17... and gah... god how i wish i could do it again some times!